


Little Bit of Sugar (lots of poison too)

by silentterror



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Age Play, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2019-11-24 19:37:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18169202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentterror/pseuds/silentterror
Summary: Felix is a beaten and broken man.Chan and Changbin are together and healthy, but still missing a piece.





	1. ashes, ashes (time to go down)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is really dark.  
> It is an outlet for my own personal trauma. Some events are real. Some aren't.  
> It is graphic and dark. Please be advised.

 

"Please, stop." The request was quiet, a whisper in the night; the sound of skin hitting skin almost drowning it out.

"No, you've been a bad boy." A harsh voice. An angry voice. A _scary_ voice. A growl ripping through the calm night.

"Sassafras. Sassafras. _Sassafras_. Please. Stop."

Crying. So many tears should have been falling. Why wasn't he stopping? He should have stopped by then. Please stop.

"I don't think so. You deserve this. Now, tell Daddy how much you like this. Tell Daddy you want this." More demands. More growls. A sharp slap to skin. More crying.

So many tears that weren't there.

"No. No. No. I don't want this. Please stop. Please. Sassafras."

Choking.

Crying.

Bruises.

Pain.

So much pain.

How did this happen?

How did he get there?

"That's a good boy." Praise, but not the kind Felix wanted. Not the kind he needed. "Just be quiet and take it like I know you can."

Skin hitting skin.

A sharp slap.

A loud cry followed by another slap.

"I said. Be. _Quiet_."

Choking.

Crying.

Struggling.

"Yes, that's a good boy." A loud grunt. Ceasing movement.

The darkness retracted. The presence disappeared.

Crying.

So many tears.

/// --- ///

"Felix, you need to leave him." Woojin was right. He was always right.

"I can't. He takes such good care of me. I can't leave him. I love him." Felix knew his words sounded fake. They were fake. But partially true. He couldn't leave. He could never leave.

"Felix," Woojin's voice had that edge to it, the one that made Felix look up, startled. Woojin never spoke like that to him, only to their other friends when they acted up. "He takes care of you when he's not raping you."

"What?!" Felix shrieked. That was a lie. Junyoung would never do that. Junyoung loved him. Junyoung would kill himself if Felix left. He couldn't do that. He could never do that. "He has never raped me. _Ever_."

"Felix," Woojin was clearly getting frustrated but he was doing everything he could to remain calm; the last thing Felix needed was someone else yelling at him. "When someone continues having sex with you after you tell them to stop or use the safeword, it is rape. Plain and simple. I don't care if you are married or dating or strangers. It _is_ rape."

Felix knew that. He was an advocate for sexual assault awareness on their campus. He knew all about spousal and familiar rape. But Junyoung would never do that. It wasn't rape. Felix loved him. He was just overreacting.

"Felix," Woojin was whispering. It was never good when he was whispering. "Please think about it." He sounded so upset. What did Felix do to upset him? He had no reason to be upset. Oh no. He was a terrible friend. He should listen to his friend.

"I will." It was a lie. Felix was always lying. Why was he always lying? Why was he so bad?

/// --- ///

"Daddy, _please_."

Skin hitting skin.

"That's it, baby boy. Tell me what you need."

Grunting.

"Please stop."

Crying.

"Wrong answer."

Slap.

"Please."

More crying.

"What do you want baby?"

Wood hitting plaster.

"Stop. Please."

Slap.

"Wrong answer, again. You've been so bad lately."

Screaming.

Always so much screaming.

/// --- ///

"Why are you never home when you should be?!"

Crying.

"Why are you always staying on campus so long?!"

Sobbing.

"Didn't your class end hours ago? Why weren't you home?!"

Screaming.

"I had homework to do. I'm sorry. I wanted to get it done there so I could come home and focus on you."

Sniffling.

"Well you should have done it sooner! You should have been home!"

Always so much screaming.

"Get on your knees."

/// --- ///

"Felix, please."

Someone was crying.

Who was crying?

"Felix." Woojin. Woojin was there. Was Woojin crying?

The soft pad of a thumb brushed at Felix's face causing the man to jerk backwards.

Oh.

He was crying.

_Why am I crying?_

"Come on, Felix. Minho already packed your things. We cleared a room for you. It's time for you to leave."

"What am I leaving?" He was choking on his sobs.

_Why am I crying?_

"Felix, sweetheart," Woojin sounded close to tears.

_Why do I make everyone cry?_

"You are leaving your abuser. You are leaving Junyoung. You have to. Your thighs are covered in bruises and you haven't stopped crying in an hour."

Oh. He must have blacked out again.

"Ok."


	2. it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im posting this chapter early as a comeback and 1 year anniversary gift to my fellow Stays. Please dont anticipate other chapters to be posted this early. <3

"Bin!" a tall man with shaggy blond hair called from the bottom of the staircase.

"Yes, Chan?" a man with short black hair asked as he poked his head around the corner at the top of the stairs.

"Are you almost ready? Minho said to be there at noon. It's almost 11:30 now."

"I only need to brush my hair," Changbin called before disappearing around the corner. Chan smiled to himself as he stood waiting for his boyfriend.

"Beautiful," he said with arms wide open when Changbin walked down the stairs.

"I'm literally only wearing jeans and a hoodie," Changbin said as he walked into Chan's waiting arms.

"You're always beautiful," Chan said as he kissed the side of Changbin's head. It was only when he leaned back slightly that he noticed the tear marks running down the smaller man's face.

"Again?" he whispered, dragging the pad of his thumb down the streaks.

"Off and on the entire morning," Changbin said with a soft smile. "I hope they're okay."

"Me too," Chan whispered as he wiped away a fresh tear.

"Any new bruises?" Changbin asked, leaning into Chan's palm.

"The thigh ones are fading, but these," Chan brought his hands, palms up, in between them, "are getting worse." Dark, crescent bruises sat in the middle of the peach flesh of both palms. Three moons were facing his fingers and could be easily hidden if he made a fist.

"God, I hope they're okay," the smaller man said as he traced the dark blue moons with his fingertips.

"I'm sure they'll be okay. At least once we meet them we will know they will be okay. But for now, we need to get going. Minho will have our heads if we are late," Chan said decisively before kissing the side of Changbin's head once more and retracting to put his shoes on.

"How will we know when we meet them? And what if we don't get along with them? What if our other soulmate isn't the same person? What if we have two different soulmates? What will we do then?" Changbin was rambling once they were in the car and on their way to Woojin and Minho's house. He always rambled when he was nervous. The couple were supposed to be meeting a friend of Woojin's with a small group of their other friends. Apparently, the kid had a pretty bad relationship he was trying to recover from, so they were supposed to act as a second support system for him.

Chan glanced out of the corner of his eye to see fresh tears leaving watery trails down Changbin's face. As he gripped the steering wheel, he could feel the crescent bruises were getting worse. He took in a steadying breath before he attempted to calm his boyfriend. "Bin," he said softly but sternly. "I don't know the answers to all of your questions. I wish I did, but I don't. My gut is telling me that our person is the same person, but there is no way for me to know. I am sure when we meet them, we will know. Or we will figure it out. Everything will be fine, I know that much. We found each other, didn't we?"

Changbin nodded his head softly before he remembered Chan couldn't necessarily see him. "Yeah, we did," he said with a wistful smile. As the houses and trees blurred by, Changbin couldn't help the feeling of nervous excitement that was brewing deep in his gut. Now if only his soulmate would find some joy in their life so tears would stop marking his face.

/// --- ///

"Felix, please. You need to come out to eat." Woojin. He was always worrying about Felix. Always concerned the small man wasn't taking care of himself.

"Not hungry," Felix mumbled out. His small hands were bunched into fists again and the familiar sting of nails biting into his flesh helped calm him. Sometimes he wished he didn't have a soulmate, simply so his tears could be his own instead of a stranger's. It had been years since Felix had tears falling down his cheeks.

"Felix, come on. We have some people we think you should meet. Nice people. Friends of ours." Minho this time. Felix really did worry them too much.

_"You're not being a good boy!"_

Felix shook his head quickly to rid the screaming in his head.

"You haven't had anything to eat in the past two days, you need to eat." Woojin, again. The poor couple really did bite off more than they could chew when they took Felix in.

Had it really been that long since he ate?

_"That's it, take it. Suck it like you mean it."_

The screaming was back, but his stomach growling overpowered the noise. Sighing, the small man stood from his makeshift bed of pillows and blankets on the floor. The mattress Woojin and Minho bought for him was leaning against the wall, but it felt too soft for someone as worthless as Felix.

Oh, how he wished he could cry for real.

Slowly, he unlocked the bedroom door and twisted the knob. His hands immediately fell back to his side in their default clenched position. The sting was calming. He could only hope he wouldn’t break skin again. He didn't want to have to worry about staining Woojin and Minho's belongings.

The smile the couple gave Felix was soft and full of love, but the man missed it as he kept his sight trained on the carpet. He followed the couple as they made their way downstairs and into the dining room. Woojin pulled a chair out for him and then moved to sit at the head of the table, to Felix's left. Only once he was seated did Felix dare to look around. Minho was sitting to the left of Woojin, across from Felix. Beside Minho sat a man with a gummy smile and short black hair. He was talking animatedly to the man beside him who had dark black hair and sharp facial features. There were visible tear stains on the man's face, but there were no tears in sight. The man was easily one of the most beautiful people Felix had ever seen. When he smiled Felix could have sworn he saw a halo over the stranger's head.

At the head of the table, opposite Woojin, sat a man with shaggy blond hair and a jawline that could cut glass. If the small, black haired man was the most beautiful person Felix had ever seen, then this man was the most handsome. His aura was one of pure dominance, yet he also seemed incredibly gentle; the smile he had as he looked at the smaller man was of only love and affection. Suddenly Felix had the urge to fall to his knees and beg the stranger to take care of him, to love him.

 _"On your knees, boy._ Now _."_

Taken aback from the sudden cry in his head, Felix jerked in his chair and hugged his arms around his chest. If he would have looked up he would have seen the fresh tears coming down the dark haired stranger's face. If he would have looked up he would have seen the looks of concern everyone was giving him. Instead, he didn't look up. He kept his head down.

_"Be a good boy for Daddy. Do as I say."_

He wanted to get out of there. No. He _needed_ to get out of there. Immediately.


	3. cry baby, cry baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this for another 3 days to keep on my upload schedule. Buuuuut, because Stray Kids just got their FIRST WIN, I felt it necessary to post this early.

"Felix! Felix, wait!"

Woojin.

Always Woojin.

Woojin who had been there for him. Through it all.

He met Woojin when they were 10. Felix had just moved to the neighborhood and was alone. They sat beside each other in the lunchroom. Woojin was three years older than him, but he could tell Felix needed a friend. He needed someone there for him. A protector.

Woojin was the first person he told. About how his step-dad liked to sneak into his room late at night. How when it was poker night, his stepdad would call him into the kitchen and have him sit on his friends' laps. He learned quickly that if he wanted to not be hurt, he would just have to be quiet. And never tell anyone. Ever.

But he told Woojin. And Woojin cried that night for him. Cried so hard, but no tears came. Instead, they were on Woojin's best friend, Minho's, face. That was the day they realized they were soulmates. That was the day Felix brought his best friend the most pain and the most happiness in one day.

That was the day Felix first hurt himself.

He felt alone. He was 13 now and had no one. Woojin was already in high school, but now he had also found his soulmate. Felix was left behind. Felix was alone. And sad.

That night he took an eraser from one of his pencils to his arm. He rubbed at his skin until it became raw. He continued to rub at the bright pink skin until the skin peeled away to tiny droplets of blood.

That was the day Felix realized that self harm was supposed to make you feel better, but he somehow managed to even fuck that up.

Woojin was there when Felix turned 17 and found a new coping mechanism. He had always preferred acting younger than he really was. He could get his way when he was still young and naive and cute. His stepdad used to buy him cute dresses and dolls and toys when he was sad, so long as he would play with the older men. And he did. It was when he got older and more disobedient that his stepdad didn't like him anymore. He would hit him more than anything.

Oh, how he wished he could go back to being young and naive and cute.

So he did.

He found infantilism by mistake. He was simply scrolling online for cute pictures of cute things. One picture was of a cute, blue teddy bear with a sippy cup in its hand and a pacifier beside the stuffie. The tags on the photo read _cgl, mdlb, ddlb, mdlg,_ and _ddlg._ Curious as he always was, Felix clicked on the first tag and found his new favorite thing. It fit him. It was everything he wanted.

That night he attempted to do what others had described as ‘slipping into littlespace’.

That night was the first time Felix slept with a thumb in his mouth.

It was the best sleep he ever had.

Woojin was there when Felix met Junyoung from an online forum. Woojin was there with words of caution and fear, but Felix only pushed him away. He told his friend everything was fine; he trusted Junyoung.

Why was Felix always pushing Woojin away?

Why was Felix always running from Woojin's help?

Why was Felix running down the sidewalk?

"Felix, please wait. Please!" Woojin screamed, but he sounded so close to crying. The sound was enough to jar Felix from his thoughts and skid to a halt.

_Where was he?_

"Woojin," he whimpered, falling to his knees. "What happened?" he asked when the older man stopped beside him, panting.

"You took off," the man managed to say in between large gasps of air. "We were getting ready to serve lunch, and you bolted out of the door."

Felix tried to think hard of what had happened. He could only see the beautiful men sitting at  the table: one with tears running down his face, and the other with clenched fists. What was this image? Was this what he ran from?

No.

No way.

He didn't run from two beautiful men who meant no harm to him.

Why did he run?

"I don't remember anything," he said softly. He was now laying down on the hard concrete. His breathing was ragged. His hands hurt. The eraser burn scars on his arms burned like they were fresh.

"Oh Lixie," Woojin whispered. "Come on, let's go home."

When he realized Felix had no intentions of moving from his spot, Woojin bent down to pick up the smaller boy. Felix may have barely weighed half of Woojin's weight, but it was still a difficult feat with the boy not cooperating at all.

Seconds after getting the boy in his arms, bridal style, he saw Chan and Changbin running down the sidewalk.

"Woojin!" Chan cried when he saw the men. "Oh my God, is he okay?"

"Yea, he is at least unharmed physically right now, but he did have a pretty big panic attack. I'm worried about how he might feel in a bit." Woojin adjusted the boy in his arms, attempting to better distribute the weight. "Damn, he's heavier than he looks."

"Here, let me," Chan said after he gained his breath back, Changbin standing off to the side, fresh tear marks marring his beautiful face.

 _'I don't know how Felix would feel about that,'_ he _tried_ to say, but he was only able to get out an ‘ _I dunno’_ before Chan was already winding his arms around Felix's small frame.

The blonde man walked back in the direction of Woojin and Minho's house. Changbin immediately fell into step beside his boyfriend as Woojin took up the rear. When Felix whimpered softly, Chan immediately shushed him, whispering soft comforts.

/// --- ///

The walk back to Woojin's house took less time than when they were originally running after Felix. Or, at least it felt that way to Chan. Maybe it was just because when they were chasing Felix, there was no indication of how long they would be running.

No matter, they were back now.

Woojin and Minho excused themselves to their room to talk about something. Jisung, his boyfriend Hyunjin, and Jeongin had all remained in the dining room, making small talk, when Woojin, Chan, and Changbin ran after Felix. Chan was pretty sure they left sometime while they were outside. Changbin was sitting on the plush couch, his legs crossed under him, as he played a random video game on Woojin's console. Chan was sitting on the opposite of the end of the couch, watching his boyfriend and the boy in between them. Felix was curled under no less than 3 blankets on the couch. His head was nestled under Changbin's arm in the crook of his hip. His legs were draped over Chan's thighs.

Considering he just met the boy a few hours ago, Chan couldn't imagine a more comfortable or _right_ scenario. His hands were resting gently on Felix's shins, occasionally massaging and rubbing at the cotton sweatpant-covered flesh. Felix, for the most part, was quiet. So quiet that Chan was convinced he fell asleep at some point. When Changbin glanced up at his boyfriend, Chan held up a hand to pantomime sleeping with a questioning look on his face. Changbin glanced down at Felix's face who was staring at the TV, blinking occasionally.

Changbin shook his head to signify that _no, Felix was not asleep._

"Felix," Chan said quietly, hand continuing to rub on the smaller boy's legs. There wasn't any immediate reaction from the smaller boy, so Changbin tried after pausing the game and sitting his controller to the side.

“Felix, sweetheart,” he whispered as his fingers carded through soft, light blue hair. It was the perfect color for the boy, Changbin thought to himself. Light blue, the color of the sky. The color of open air and freedom.

After many minutes of silence, Felix finally rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Chan could now properly see his face, and the exhaustion hidden under smooth skin.

“I think we need to talk about this,” Chan finally said, his hand still rubbing softly at Felix’s shin. Felix nodded but made no further movement or sound.

“Well,” Changbin said softly, glancing up at his boyfriend then back down to Felix. “We never introduced ourselves. My name is Changbin. You can call me any variation of that really: Chang, Bin, SpearB. Doesn't matter But it is preferable you only choose Bin from that list.”

“And my name is Chan. You can call me Chris, Bangchan, or CB. Your choice, but CB is an old cheesy stage name and sounds more like something for Changbin.” Chan’s small joke was enough to get an equally small smile from Felix, but it was a start.

“Woojin told us you go to the same university as us, but we are a year abo--”

“Are you guys soulmates?” Felix asked softly, interrupting Changbin. It was the first time either of the couple had heard Felix speak, and it left them reeling. Chan couldn't help but question what his soft, high voice would sound like if it was full of joy and laughter. At that very moment he made it his goal in life to find out.

Changbin gave Felix a small smile before saying, “Yes, we are.”

Chan watched as Felix’s face dropped, if it could drop any further. “But,” he began to say, not sure why he was speaking. “We have at least another soulmate somewhere. We aren't sure if our other soulmate is the same person, but I have a gut feeling it is.”

As Chan spoke, Felix slowly sat up, his curiosity piqued. Once he was sitting up fully he drew his legs underneath him as he sat upright. Changbin couldn't help but notice how the smaller boy’s posture was drawn into himself, even when sitting upright.

“You have another soulmate? How do you know?” Felix asked, his voice just a bit more than a whisper.

“Well, you see…” Before he continued to speak, Chan glanced at Changbin, seeking his approval before telling their secrets. When the dark haired man nodded his approval, Chan continued. “Bin is a very happy person. He hardly cries anymore. And same goes for me. I cry, yes, but not anything like I used to. One day Bin came running into my room. He looked like he expected to find me dead or something. There were tears running down his face and they didn't stop for hours. He thought I was crying, and he got scared. But I wasn't. That was when we knew he had another soulmate out there.”

“I was so scared,” Changbin whispered softly, not looking at either of the other men. “I still am. I hope my soulmate is okay.”

Chan simply smiled reassuringly at his boyfriend before he continued his story. “When I was growing up I used to always have really obscure bruises on my skin. Bruises that made no sense for me to have. When I was a teenager, I had one the shape of a hand wrapped around my arm. I've never been grabbed like that. I knew I had a rare soulmate out there. One whose bruises would appear on my skin. One day I met Changbin, whose tears I cried, and who cried my tears. When I asked him about the bruises, he had no idea what I was talking about. I quickly dropped the subject, but I knew. It took me a while to tell Bin. I was afraid he would think he wasn't enough. But things worked out. Now we just need to find our third. I know they have to be the same person. I know it in my gut.”

When Felix glanced up from a speck of dust on the coffee table, he saw small tears flowing down Chan’s cheeks. When he quickly looked to Changbin, he saw a mirror image of Chan, but fatter tears.

“Sorry,” Changbin whispered as he wiped his sleeve over his face. “We are just worried.”

For the first time in years, Felix could feel his eyes water. Which was _weird._ So very _very_ weird. “Thank you for telling me,” he said softly, standing from his spot. “I think I will go sleep now.”

“Okay. We will stop by tomorrow to say hi,” Chan said with a small smile, but Felix didn't see it. Felix already made a break for his bedroom.

A few minutes after hearing the door upstairs close shut, Chan let out a soft gasp and looked to his arms. Changbin and he watched as tiny crescent moons appeared on both of his biceps. The direction indicating someone was hugging themselves with their nails biting into their skin.

It was impossible for Chan to contain the small sob that escaped his chest.

That night Felix wept for hours.

This time, with tears streaming down his face.

 


	4. i'll shed a tear with your family

"Felix," Woojin called in a soft voice. After receiving silence as a response, he tried again. "Felix, you need to eat something. Chan made me promise him that you would eat something before he and Changbin come to visit. It's already 4. They'll be here in an hour. Please come eat?"

When Woojin mentioned the other men, he began to hear shuffling in the enclosed room. Finally after what felt like an eternity, Felix opened his bedroom door.

The younger man was wearing a long, black tee shirt that reached just above his knees. Covering his feet were long socks that were black with pink polka dots. Felix looked so...  _ small  _ in his outfit. Woojin wanted to scoop him up and protect him from the world for life. But he knew he couldn't, so he looked away and grabbed the other's hand, leading him down the stairs.

Once Felix was safely situated at the kitchen island, Woojin set about plating the food he made in hopes the younger boy would eat. Easy, filling, food would be the game of the day. Lots of carbs and protein seemed to be the best idea. With this in mind, Woojin had scrambled a couple of eggs and toasted a bit of bread with jam. Sure, it was almost evening, but it was never too late to eat breakfast. Once the food was carefully placed on a small, pink plate (Minho's idea in hopes it would encourage the other boy to  _ actually  _ eat something.) Woojin placed the small plate in front of the equally small boy with a blue sippy cup filled with juice. When Felix quickly looked up at Woojin in question, his only response was a shrug.

Honestly, if you asked Woojin how he reached this point in his life, he would be as lost as you. Who would have thought that befriending the small, lonely 4th grader would lead to such a strange life.

The older man watched Felix take small bites of his eggs for a few long minutes, before he decided to speak up.

"Felix, why are you hurting yourself so much lately? Why aren't you eating regularly?"

"I'm just not hungry," the response was quick and short; curt.

"I've known you for more than half your life, Lixie. I would hope you know that I can tell when you are lying." Real talk? Woojin was tired of the running around in circles.

"I miss him, Woojin," Felix put his fork down against his plate, but he continued to stare at the food.

"Please tell me you are not talking about Junyoung..."

The whimper that escaped the smaller man's body was heart wrenching to Woojin. "I really do, Woojin. I know I should be mad at him. I am mad at him. He hurt me. A lot. But I miss him. I just want him to hold me. To tell me it'll all be ok."

Originally, Woojin planned to continue to hold this heart to heart while he was on the other side of the island. However, seeing Felix whimper into his food, Woojin couldn't resist the temptation of circling around the counter and engulfing the smaller boy in his arms.  Logically, shushing the boy wouldn't work, so Woojin opted for gently rubbing the small boy's back. There wasn’t much he could do to comfort him when he was in hysterics, this he knew from past experiences, but he could still try. 

Felix cried into Woojin's chest for a little while longer, up until he was calmed down enough to continue to eat. Once he was, Woojin sat back and watched him as he slowly ate. The older man wished he could have comforted Felix more, but he was happy he at least pulled some information from the younger to pass on to Chan.

After Felix finished eating, he curled up under a blanket on the couch, watching Silent Hill. He only made it halfway through the movie before Chan and Changbin showed up. They didn't say anything, but instead opted to maneuver Felix so they could sit the same way as the previous night. After a few minutes of staring at the screen, Changbin jumped a little and Chan chuckled at his lover.

"Do you like scary movies, Felix?" Chan asked after another whimper escaped Changbin.

"They're my favorite," the smaller boy mumbled softly, eyes still fixated on the television.

"I like 'em too. Bin is bit of a scaredy cat, though."

Felix didn't reply and neither of the other men spoke again, but they could both see the small twitch of a smile on Felix's face.

The three men continued to watch the movie in silence; Chan's hand never leaving Felix's leg. Changbin started watching the movie with his hand petting gently over Felix's hair. However, sometime later, without realizing it, Changbin managed to grab the younger man's hand in his fear. Felix didn't move away, so once Changbin realized what he did, he figured it must have been ok, and opted to not move away.

Finally, much to Changbin's joy, the movie ended. There was a delay, a stagnant silence, that followed where no one moved or spoke. The screen of the television went to the main screen of the DVD, but no one was paying attention. Chan couldn't look away from the sight of Changbin and Felix holding hands. Changbin was staring at Felix's hand intertwined with his own. And Felix... well, Felix was still looking at the screen.

"I'm curious, Felix," Chan spoke, slicing the silence with his soft voice. "Do you have any clues about your soulmate?"

Felix didn't visibly move or react, but Changbin could feel his grip tighten softly around his hand.

"No." The word came so softly, if any background noise was happening, both of the other men would have missed it.

"When was the last time you cried?" Changbin asked, his own curiosity piqued. He and Chan had been lucky to find each other so quickly, so he was always curious about others' soulmates.

"Last night."

There was a breath. A pregnant pause.

"But I thought they had died."

Changbin gasped. Naturally he knew death of a soulmate was possible. Of course someone can't live forever, but he never considered the  _ actual  _ possibility. The death of your soulmate would leave you so inconceivably in pain, no other emotions even possible. It was a harrowing experience, from what Changbin had read.

"I didn't cry for years. Probably close to 3. And I was always hurting. I thought they died."

It was the most Chan heard Felix say and all he wanted was to keep the smaller boy talking; his voice was so soft and unique, but deep and raspy at the same time.

"But you cried last night?" Chan asked, his palm gently stroking at the cotton covered skin of Felix's ankle, hoping his actions could draw the words from the other.

"Yea, I did. It was... strange. I hated not having my own tears. I am always crying, but never have my own tears to cry. But last night..." Chan could see Felix close his eyes. He looked over to Changbin to see tears streaming down his face. They made eye contact before both looking back to the blue haired wonder. "Last night I was so sad. I cried. And I had tears to cry. It was nice."

The tips of Changbin's fingers were turning red, while Felix's were turning white, from how tight he was squeezing the older man's hand.

"Felix," Changbin began to say softly, his free hand coming up to stroke the blue locks in front of him. He choked on a sob as he began to speak, but continued over it. "Can I hug you?"

Minho had a very lengthy talk with both Chan and Changbin about the proper way to handle abuse victims. They were both well aware they shouldn't make too sudden of movements without warning. They especially shouldn't make too much contact without permission; it could trigger a panic attack or worse.

Felix had to think about it. Did he want to be hugged right now? Especially by one of the most beautiful men he ever saw?

Sure, why not.

He nodded softly. If Changbin had to rely on sight, he wouldn't have caught the motion, but luckily Felix's head was still laying on his thigh.

Ever so gently, with Chan's help, Changbin moved Felix into a sitting position, angled slightly toward Chan. It wasn't until the blond man's arms wound gently around Felix's midsection, that Chan noticed the tears falling slowly from the younger’s eyes. He moved slowly, his hands clearly in Felix's line of sight, and brushed the wet trail away with the pad of his thumb. It was a barely there gesture, but it seemed to jar Felix from his trail of thought.

"You're crying," Felix said softly, but matter-of-factly.

Shocked, Chan withdrew his hand to feel at his own face. And sure enough, there were indeed tears streaming down his face. The faint taste of salt on his lips was familiar, yet foreign. Normally he would kiss away Changbin's tears, leaving the taste behind. It wasn't often Changbin was sad enough for Chan to cry as well.

When Felix opened his arms in Chan's direction, it took a moment for the blonde haired man to recognize what was happening, too caught up in the tears on his cheeks. When he did realize, Chan gratefully leaned into the smaller man's embrace.

It took a few moments of shuffling, but eventually the three found a comfortable position to cuddle together on the small couch. Felix's weight may have been slightly crushing on Changbin's waist, but at least he could hold his hand. Chan was pressed in between the back of the couch and Changbin's hip, but his own leg was thrown over the back of Felix's thighs. Felix was now laying on his stomach, trapped within Changbin's legs, his head resting on the older man's abdomen. He may have been physically trapped, but he had never felt so  _ free  _ in his life.


	5. the darkness is too hard to handle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE.
> 
> I know i have self harm tagged already, but please don't read this if idealization of self harm is triggering to you. These thoughts are very much my real thoughts, they suck and are depressing. do not read this if you might be triggered. I REALLY dont want you to be in pain from this.
> 
> the fic isnt worth it.

Felix woke up slowly, disoriented. He couldn't figure out why he felt so...  _ warm.  _ He was used to the cold. He would purposefully sleep with little amount of clothing, simply to freeze himself slowly. It was a form of self harm that wouldn't leave permanent markings. The floor was always especially hard and cold underneath his thin body, but there was only softness surrounding Felix.  _ Maybe I have finally died,  _ he thought to himself.  _ That would be a nice change of pace. _

The light-blue haired man slowly opened his eyes, hoping to gain a better idea of what was happening. After blinking the sleep from his eyes, he was able to process he was surrounded by  _ people.  _ Chan and Changbin to be in fact. They had fallen asleep together, tangled up on the couch. Felix had meandered his way to be laying on his side, his back pressed against Chan and Changbin's limbs draped over the two other men. It was comfortable, and that was strange for Felix.

He glanced around himself trying to gain a bearing on his surroundings. It was still dark outside, but Felix could see the hint of a lightening sky peeking through the curtains in the living room. The TV had somehow managed to be turned off throughout the night. Changbin's face was one of peace and lacking his usual tear track marks. He followed the line of the other man's body, memorizing the way his arm fit perfectly over Felix's abdomen and grasped the shirt of the bigger man behind him. His leg was draped just over Felix's knee and his foot ended up in between Chan's legs.

Suddenly Felix gasped and sat up with a start. He moved so quickly, he had jostled Changbin, throwing the other off the side of the couch. Felix's shirt had ridden up in his sleep, bearing his thighs for anyone who might take a glance. He quickly pulled the shirt down as far as it would allow, hiding the paper thin red marks from anyone but himself. His cuts were for his eyes only. They were a piece of him and no one else had the right to see them or judge them. They were a present that he rarely gave himself; a gift of just the slightest bit of joy. That was all that mattered: the 10 seconds of pure euphoria he would feel from one simple razor swipe. No one could take that from him.

“Whoa, what the fuck?” Changbin exclaimed from the floor, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Felix didn’t say anything, only scooting further into the couch, trying to avoid contact with Chan as much as possible. The older man was awakened by Changbin’s exclamation and was slowly attempting to wake up fully.

“Everything ok?” the blonde man asked, stretching the aches out of his shoulders as he sat up.

“I don’t know,” the man on the floor said with agitation.

Chan glared at his boyfriend before turning to the youngest in the room. “Are you ok, Felix?”

“Um… I have to go,” Felix mumbled before he jumped up and ran up the stairs.

/// --- ///

Felix sat on his makeshift bed on the floor. The door was locked and his curtains were closed. His long socks had meandered their way down his legs to his ankles while he slept. He pulled his shirt up to fully display his red, scarred, bruised thighs. The marks were mostly fading and the peach toned skin was becoming clear. 

Woojin and Minho had worked hard to give everything to Felix that he desired and prevent him from hurting himself. They couldn’t, however, prevent what they didn’t know about.

Felix’s habits and coping mechanisms were secrets he kept to himself since he was young. He knew they weren’t healthy in the long run. He knew it was a reliance he formed and that he would have to stop one day. But he couldn’t. Not yet.

They started small. Just the occasional eraser burn or nails pressed into skin. Then he found new forms. He hated being cold. His friends always joked about how he would wear layers upon layers of clothing, but he couldn’t handle the cold. When he was feeling particularly awful, he would turn the AC as high as it would go or turn off the heat. He wouldn’t wear clothes or put on a blanket. It was his own form of personal torture, one that gave no joy. 

He would also often deprive himself of food until his stomach hurt. Felix would do anything he could to hurt himself and torture himself, because it was what he deserved.

Most of the time he wouldn’t cut himself. He didn’t want to feel better. He deserved to feel awful. He was worthless. He was a piece of shit.

_ You’re a good for nothing, little bitch. _

The paper thin lines with little red droplets were constellations and stars of a moment of joy. Something he wouldn’t allow himself to have often. Something he didn’t deserve.

_ What the fuck is this? Did you cut yourself? Do you want to die? _

He didn’t want to kill himself, not really. His life was a torture to himself. Why would he want to end it? That would be too easy. He didn’t deserve a swift end. 

_ We can send you to a trashy foster family if you really want to die. Show you what it’s really like to have a rough life. Then maybe you’ll  _ really  _ kill yourself. _

Felix wanted to scream. He wanted to yell and break stuff. But he couldn’t. It would be a way to get it out. A way to make things better. Plus it would just inconvenience those around him. That was one of the only reasons he wanted to die; he was constantly making things harder for those around him. They deserved better. They didn’t deserve to have a leech on them like himself.

One day it would all end, one way or the other.

/// --- ///

“What the  _ fuck,  _ Bin?” Chan hissed through his teeth at his boyfriend.

“What?!” Changbin growled back defensively, getting up to move to the couch he was unceremoniously pushed off of. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Well something happened, obviously. All I know is that I woke up to you on the floor and Felix looking like he was burned.”

“And all  _ I  _ know is that I was pushed to the ground in my sleep. Maybe he had a bad dream?” As Changbin was speaking, fresh tears breached his eyes and spilled onto his face.

Chan looked down to his ankles as a familiar sensation began. Slowly, a bruise started to appear in a straight line about a centimeter thick. He’d had these before, always in the same spot, just above the ankle bone on the inside of his leg. It took quite a few years to figure out what the bruise could have been. It would grow darker and darker as the minutes passed. It was the type of bruise to form when someone was receiving a rug burn of some form. 

After reading online, Chan could only assume the bruise was specifically from an eraser burn. It tugged at his heart every time it happened. It was more common than the paper thin bruises on his thighs. Those ones were the worst of all. They hurt the most and wouldn’t go away for days. He hated knowing that his soulmate was out there hurting themselves for whatever reasons they sought fit.

/// --- ///

Felix curled into himself within his nest of blankets on the floor. His skin was crawling and his ankles burned. He was desperate for something. He wasn’t sure what it was. 

Did he crave more pain? Or did he just want the pain to stop? How far was he willing to go?

_ Come on baby, you know I love you. _

The small boy let out a cry as he felt like his heart was ripped out. He hadn’t seen Junyoung in almost a month. It was hard to believe so much time had passed. It felt like only a few days since Woojin insisted Felix move in with the couple. It must have had something to do with the fact that Felix never left his room. He ended up dropping out of school the week after he left Junyoung. It was too much. How could he keep going to a school and classes that all reminded him of his ex.

Plus, he always felt like men were staring at him, trying to tear him to shreds.

_ Come here, little lady. You know what we like. Why not do a little spin. Show off those beautiful thighs. _

_ “I miss you,”  _ he typed out in the message box. He knew he shouldn’t, but he didn’t have a clear state of mind at that moment. 

It didn’t take long to get a response from Junyoung. It’s almost as though he was waiting for Felix’s message. He knew that Felix couldn’t stay away for long, he needed someone in his life at all times. Junyoung was the easiest to go to, he knew everything about Felix except for his marks. He refused to show them to his boyfriend; he never took off all of his clothes during sex and would avoid revealing clothes at all costs.

After a few minutes of texting and a short phone call, Junyoung was willing to take Felix back. He didn’t know why he always returned to the asshole that was his boyfriend, but he just knew he should. Maybe it was another form of self harm. Just another thing he felt he deserved: an unhealthy relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear this will have a happy ending. i swear it.

**Author's Note:**

> all titles are from melanie martinez lyrics.
> 
> / [twitter](https://twitter.com/silent_terrorx) /


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